Palabras Me Encantan Ahora (Words I Love Now)

***done "stream of conciousness" style with no explanation. Just go. ***

Love
Laugh
Connection
Dream
Escape
Inspire
Imagine
Now
Scream
Fortune
Future
Learn
Know
Understand
Speak
Cry
Life
Ameoba
Artemis
Truth
Hope
Die
Hello
Begin
Plathura
Idyosyncracy (sp)
Desire
Infatuation
Obsession
Come
Rain
Night
Darkness
Moon
Star
Celestial
Movement
Dance
Perform
Stage
Gay
Fabulous
Word
Fuck
Incarnation
Breathe
Kiss
Touch
Outside
Indubidably
Blaspheme
Honesty

Words I HATE right now
hate
forget
anger
ignorant
homophobia
macromolecule
blame
injustice
halt
end
place
no
away
close
here
over
trapped
inside
leave
permanent
wall
same
median
satisfied
done
finished

Out There

It's a far cry from a dream come true
But it's gotta work till the rest pulls through
Still in the same place as before
And still wanting something more
Watch the people smile as they pass by
Make up another "it's okay" lie
When will they realize this is not enough
Right now desire's gotta stay tough
Inch forward towards dreams, working every day
Watch for the moment to fly far away
Break free into life of dreams become real
Thanks to work and now this is now happiness feels
But don't forget those back home
As the stuff of life begins to roam
Everyone needs support now and then
Things could change in an instant; you never know when.
--12.28.05

When Walking

Come home around midnight
Miss the lightswitch
But keep on walking
Blurred vision and
A headache blinds my mind
But keep on walking
Darkness bleeds from my room
To the hall I'm stumbling through
But keep walking
Fall onto a bed of surreality
Close my eyes and turn off my mind
But keep on walking in my dreams
--12.28.05

Esta Distancia Que Se Interpone

La bella de tu
Esta en mi mente
La pura vida
No mas sigue.
He aprendado que
No soy quien tu quieres
Creo que debo salir
Y nunca vuelvo.
Ahora recuerda tu
Tu me dijiste me amaste.
Yo te amaba.
Y ahora porqu de tu carino
Te detesto.
Quiero amarte.
Pero como?
Ayudame, por favor.
--12.9.05

Proof Positive (REVISED)

Document the real life
That feels so much like fiction
This life that's been labled
With a dealine closing in
Throuw reason out the window
When it doesn't match reality
And try to survive in a dying world
Celebrate the love that won't fade
Through the end and has no beginning except time itself
Let in the love that will bring back to life
Because right now death reigns
Thought the deadline hasn't come
Holding off like a cruel joke
Now the joke's on life
Alive against the odds
Live with more heart
Love with more soul
And it will all be worth it
No matter how short
--11/23/05 edited 11/28/05

In So Many Words

These visions
Like dreams
I've never lived them
Yet I know they're real
Where do they come from
How can I make them stop
It's like the plague of my mind
Black against the sky
Blocking out everything else
I can't think
What do they mean and
Why won't the go away
I am stuck in this daydream
That is only a nightmare when I
Realize it isn't real.
--11/16/05

Keep In Mind

Get out
Run away
Through the street lights
Hilight the same
Haunting memory
I can't ignore it
Won't get out
Stuck in my brain
Like a virus
That hates me
Plagues me day and night
Hear the clock chime
Another hour gone by
More to remember
Relive the dreams
But that same memory
Is the faded image
Behind everything
Self-invoked and still there
Go away
Run away
Leave that memory behind
I can't. I can't.
You're stuck there like heat to a flame.
--11/16/05

Proof Positive

note: I'm not sure if I'm done with this one yet.

Document the real life
That feels so much like fiction
This life that's been labled
With a deadline closing in
Throw reason out the window
When it doesn't match reality
And try to survive in a dying world
Celebrate the love that won't fade
Through the end and has no beginning.
--11/23/05

Flutter Effect

The butterfly
Has landed on my life
Change

Hear the phone call
From the other end of the world
The wings beat

Pick up the quitcase
Carrying away memories and all
The wings beat

Taste the raindrops
Flooding my eyes in light of life
The wings beat

Look through the fingers
Of the hiding child in plain sight
The wings beat

Inhale the scent of spice
Amidst the man from a mystery source
The wings beat

It is all different
Irreversible and clear as glass
The wings beat
--11/22/05

Working Title

Close my eyes but I can't stop the flow
Life streaming down my face
In still photographs
The captured moments of what's left
Silent frames of it all
Phrases of rapture
Earthquakes in my world
Tumble through the revolution
Freeze the wind I'm blowing in
To a standstill on the edge of time
--11/17/05

Out of the Deep

I am free in my depression
But when I see you I can't
Help but smile
When I see your rare face
Came in clear
An eye in mine
Your smell so calming
That spice of life
What is this strance affection
I cannot understand
And you basically ignore
I've never had you but I
Miss you so much
Pull me out of this standstill
Rescue me to life.
--11/10/05

Slideshow

Who am I in your eyes
But a creature of the underworld
A part of the darkness
That is not part of you
It is your frozen heart
That has teft me cold as ice
It is your flame of life
That has scorched me into vapor

Who am I in your eyes
But a mist that can't be seen
Can't even cloud your vision
I'm so invisible
You are the fire burning down
My lifetime from when I met you
You are the flood washing away
Everything except my memories of you

Who am I in your eyes
But a flicker of wasted time
Present for a moment
Then completely forgotten

But I - I do not even know
The color, the depth
Of your eyes, your soul
You're too afraid to look at me
--10/12/05

In Case of Fire

Afraid to touch me
Because of the fire it might
Stir in you
That you think is so wrong
For you, betrothed to another
But it is worthless
In this imaturity
Of you and yours

Afraid to touch me
Because then you'd know
As if a hand on my waist
Would prove I'm real
Just as real as you
And that my feelings
Are just as true as yours
Guilt would consume you

Afraid to touch me
Because your shame would kill you
Of throwing this in my face
As you taunt me
But keep your distance
Just to be safe - I'm dangerous
Keep away
In case of fire
--10/7/05

In the Absence of You

My hands on your tiny hips
In the darkness of balloon moonlight
And I know this sensual tease
Is as close as I'll ever get
Thank goodness
I never told you
The depth of me
Thank goodness
I chose to wait
Hiding until I knew
And now I know that you and I
Are not even worth thinking about
So now my thoughts are empty
In the absence of you
--10.2.05

What Nobody Needs

Make up your mind and
Tell me the truth
Stop leading me on an
Breaking my heart
Why do I keep falling harder?
Why do I never learn?
Why do I need this so much?
Why is my life not enought?
Who are you
If you don't know then
Nobody knows and
I am nobody who
Needs to know
--10.2.05

Everything's Changed

It should have been amazing
It should have been one of
The best times of my life
It should have been so much more than you
She's here, 2 hours in I find out.
The boyfriend calls and everything's changed
She didn't tell meI kinda think this is kinda important to know
Heartbroken before it even begins
And still so even after it ends
Fantasy running through my head
Of a movie I never saw or will see
Because the boyfriend calls and everything's changed
She didn't tell me
It's like a blowoff to my face
An insult no one tried to hide
And now I write this
Self-indulgent piece of shit
Because it doesn't matter
To anyone
Not even her
The boyfriend calls and everything's changed
She didn't tell me
--10/2/05

No More

Let the water fall down...
Let spirit flow through me
Let the world continue to turn me
May I be always there
Let your words wound me
Let this life pain me
Let depression envelop me
May I grow stronger through it all
Let you destroy me
Let love ignore me
Let nothing help me
May I die in my time
--9/12/05

Waterfall

Escape this prison
I can't escape you
And you're not even here
I can't fuckin think about anything
This is just me
So forget it
Let the world fuck me
Cause I can't fuck you
I'm over it
I don't care about anything anymore
I can't escape you
And you're not even here
--8.31.05

Deaden the Feeling

Um...

Deaden the Feeling

It's so strong that
There's nothing else in me
I wish I could
Deaden the feeling
I can't think about
Anything else but you
I wish I could
Deaden the feeling
Anything else but you
Anyone else but you
If only it were (only it were)
Anyone else but you
I don't even know how to say
Exactly what I mean
I wish I could
Deaden the feeling
Cut you out of me
You're embedded like a parasite
I wish I could
Deaden the feeling
Parasite please
Take my life
Kill me now
It's all too much to take
Hear this song in my head
All about you
It's all about you
It's all about you...
--8.31.05

Raw

Um, same thing...

Raw

And if this is not enough
Then I am giving up
Cause even though it's not the end of the world
This is the end of mine
I keep trying cause you're worthi it
But this is an uphill losing battle
And I don't have the energy
To keep up the fight
I am
Shut out
Shot down
Left out
Let down
I tell you I love you
You say you love someone else
No sensitivity!
No, you're just being honest
You say goodbye, I say it's okay
But that's all a lie
It's not okay
I need you
And you're gone, you're never here
You could never understand
Why do I care about you?
I hate you!
No, I hate me
I am sorry
This is my fault
You didn't ask for this
Neither did I
It chose me
I chose you
-- 8.30.05

Honesty

I think the only person who would read this and know who this is about is, well, the person it's about.

Honesty
She's on my mind
But I can't have her
She's on my mind
God damn her
Left to my own devices
I know her love is priceless
And she is not mine
She walks in her own line
I want to scream out my lonely
I want to be her one and only
I miss her, but does she miss me
I dream to kiss her, but would she kiss me
She's keeping me up at night
I can see her face in the absence of light
In the darkness I imagine her touch
The feel of her that I want so much
But she is happy. I leave her alone.
This sorrowful agony is only my own.
-- 8/29/05

Take Your Time

Because life has been so fucking complicated...

Take Your Time

What happened to
Innocence
No consequence
Fun all day
A little work, more play
Time took it away

What happened to
Best friends
To no end
Always say
You're here today
Time took it all away

I used to know
Who I was
And who my friends were
I knew what life's about
But not I'm not so sure

I used to think
Life was perfect
And things would always stay the same
But I grew up and
Time change the game

Time took it all
Took it all away...
--8.23.05

Gray Area

Only a few people will know what this one is about. I'm not sure if it's really any good, it's just my brian screaming at me. I don't even know if it makes sense. Lemme know.

Gray Area

Shred your beliefs
For a soapbox speech
Explain the sense it makes
To those you abandon
You preach acceptance
And total honest self expression
But if it all works for you
Look at who is left condemned
In this, our democracy
You are subject to a dictator
A 2000 year old letter
Purely for advice
This is now your law
A slingshot from left to right
I'm just stretched to the limit
With no place to go
--8.14.05

Blinded

I wrote this on the plane on the way back from New York... I'm not sure how much sense it makes, cause my brain was kind of all over that day.

Blinded

She is always ignored but
He is never left alone
What would happen
If they took on the world
Life could be violent, even fatal
But what is life without the fight?
How do you learn if you were never ignorant?
Can you grow if you were never innocent?

Life can be ugly
But I still think it's beautiful
Life can be violent
But I still know there is peace
You can hurt be
But I can still be strong
You can say it is impossible
But I will still believe

Nothing is fair
And even in this land of freedom
You have to fight for you right
To have freedom of choice
Policy is prejudice
A democratic republic led by a dictator
Injustice is procedure
And fear is standard
-- 8.13.05

Quote Time!

I'm in a very thoughtful mood, so I'm going to post some quotes. Some are thoughts of mine, some are lines from shows, some are things other people have said. Take your pick which is which.

Some are driven away my edicts, others by silence.

And now no one is left to talk to, except the voices in my head, and I've already heard all they have to say.

So that's him.
Yeah.
He's cute.
I know.
{and nothing will ever happen. talk is only talk.}

It's a nice night. To feel like shit.

Parties are not for sitting by yourself.

That picture's crooked.
Shut up - you're crooked!

How long did you guys go out?
You mean how long until I regretted it?

Then we can talk about life, what you think about things... It can all turn out quite pleasant.

Why were you all over *him* at the party? Was it to make me jealous?
I'm not that shallow.
Yes you are.
You know, you're an idiot.

Did I really tell him to break a leg (before the show) and mean it? Wow. Maybe I'm the idiot.

I'm not ur age for much longer though hehe
Close enough. Shut up
hahah I get what you mean.

Okay I think that's enough. No one is on to talk to and I'm bored as hell. It's time for some sleep.

Right Here

Don't mind me
I'm just walking in circles
Because now that it's over
I don't know where to go
Push me off this circle
In the right direction
Let me fly
More than so far
Start something more
Before it all goes to waste
I'll be here to help
Always walking in circles.
--7.31.05

Because the show is over and I'm really fuckin depressed.

Ignorance

So many words come out of your mouth
And yet you have nothing to say
You don’t understand, you’re ignorant
But you keep talking anyway
You hate
You discriminate
You don’t apologize
Until it’s too late
I don’t like you
You don’t like me
Somehow
This is Harmony
But it shouldn’t be the answer
This fight is like a toxic cancer
You can’t solve anything by doing nothing
But you only talk at me, not to me
So there’s no answer I can see
Lock it inside
But you can’t hide
Cause forever you’ll feel guilty.

Neverland

Started out in a small town
Discovered the city when I was only 5 years old
And from my first glimpse of skyscrapers
I knew where I belonged

I’m taking back to my body
But my heart is staying where it belongs
Someday I’ll make it back to New York City
Back where I belong

Don’t belong in that small town
I suffocate in the open fields
Can only breathe between buildings
Dodging taxis and street performers

Where is the excitement
(of life in suburbia)
Connection with strangers
(isolation – a world apart)

I’m taking back to my body
But my heart is staying where it belongs
Someday I’ll make it back to New York City
Back where I belong

So many people lost in the world
But I know where I belong
And I drew a map of how to get there
With two stickers that say “you are here”
One in that small town
Where my body lies in wait
And one in the heart of the city Where my heart is dreaming


I’m taking back to my body
But my heart is staying where it belongs
Someday I’ll make it back to New York City
Back where I belong

For now my little bit of being
Lives without its passion and determination
The world is waiting in the city
To see what that soul is made of
I’ll always be a city girl
No matter where I am
And if I can’t go to the city
I’ll bring the city to me

Twin Spirits

I don’t want to talk to anyone
If it’s not you
You’re the only one who realizes
What I’m going through
Only you know that my life
Is not as it appears
And though you are so far away
You’re the only one who hears
All my unspoken thoughts
And all my waiting dreams
Must echo in your head
Like not-so-distant screams
So what do I do
When you’re not around
And I’m stuck making
Not a sound
Everything stuck
In my mind
A treasure chest
For you to find
But somehow you are
Always there
A tangible confirmation
That someone cares

We the People

If I am an American
Then I have the right to safety
If I am an American
Then I have the right to freedom
If I am an American
Then I have the right to individuality
If I am an American
Then I have the right to choices
If I am an American
Then I have the right to equality
If I am an American
I have the right to love anyone I want

Just

There are no messages on my phone
Only spam in my inbox
The only kisses I'm getting are from my dog
Sometimes my friends give me hugs

It's 3 am and no one is online
But at 5 pm no one is home
I'm up though I should be sleeping
And when I sleep it won't be for long

There are things on my mind I can tell to no one
No one tells me anything important anyway
I've got this poetry... and all my thoughts
Not that there's anyone to share it with.
--7.30.05

Birthday

Yeah... This one is, unfortunately, the most recent thing I can find. I guess I didn't write much between then and now. Anyway. Here it is.

Birthday
I bought my balloons
At the party stoe
I got 20 for a dollar
In a plastic bag
But none of them got blown up
They're still sitting in my closet
Maybe I can use them
Next year

I made myself look pretty
With my own funky style
The perfect thing to show off
Who I am
This was all in case someone
Wanted pictures
Maybe I'll look pretty
Next year

I bought thank you cards
At Walgreen's
I got 10 for 2 dollars
All wrapped in plastic
But I never had to open them
They're still sitting in my closet
Maybe I can use them
Next year

I pretended I didn't care
That no one paid attention
Just in case a
Surprise party was planned
But when I got home
No one was there
Maybe I'll be surprised
Next year.
-- 5.13.05

Driven By Silence

I figured I'd start this blog with the poem that it was named after. Plus it got a nice comment from a valued friend of mine.

Driven by Silence
I am sitting here and
I am thinking of
All the things I'm saying that I said
I'd never say
I am thinking of
All the things I'm doing
That I said I'd never do
Cause I can't help you've made me feel this way

I'm myself with something different
I'm something different all the same
And as always I will tell myself
That no one is to blame

I am talking
If only to myself
Hoping I will never have to
Say a heartbroken good-bye
Maybe it will be seen
By whom I'm hoping it will
The honest look of desire
Hiding in my sorrowful eye

I'm myself with something different
I'm something different all the same
And as always I will tell myself
That no one is to blame

I am wondering
If perhaps I am clueless
Or somehow
Subconsciously shy
I am wondering
In my honesty
Why I've never felt this way
With any other guy

I'm myself with something different
I'm something different all the same
And as always I will tell myself
That no one is to blame

I don't know
What words to use
To say what else
There is to say
I just hope
With all my heart these thoughts
Will be worth it all
Some near day.
-- 7.23.05