Disgrace

Is it a disgrace
That I still want to kiss you?
That more than anything else
I want to pull you out of bed
Into the rain
And kiss you under a street light
Until you believe I'm worth it?

Because as I'm lying here
Trying to go to bed
More alone than I think I've ever been
That is what I want most
And it makes me feel
Like a whore
Like a dirty, used, worthless
Hopeless
Attempt at a human being.

And you just went to bed.
--3.31.10

Driving Lessons

I thought about walking in front of a car.

I don't actually want to die, I think.
I think.

I just want to scare people.
I want my physical pain
To be greater than my emotional pain.

Go into a coma for a while.

Cause I don't know how to love better.
But apparently I need to.

Need some driving lessons.
--3.31.10

One-Oh

If this is actually happening
I want it to hurt you
As much as it hurts me.

And it won't.

I know that.

And that hurts more.
--3.31.10

And

And now I'm ashamed
And embarrassed
And I don't want anyone to know
And I love him
And I want EVERYONE to know
And tomorrow will happen
And I don't know how to do that.
--3.31.10

Empty Window

Standing outside your window
On the wet street
I have never felt so splintered
By wind and glass.
I look up
I look down
I want to run
But my feet won't move.
Heels click by
The one place I want to be
Seems the one place I can't go.
Could you have ripped any harder?
I cant think about tomorrow
Let alone next week
Or even ten minutes ago.
What I wouldn't give
To see your face
While I know you're hiding from mine.
I feel like I have rained from the sky
In just as many droplets
Like I've poured into the sewer
And there's no way out.
I want another chance.
--3.31.10

New Years and Now

She thought it would get better,
Easier,
Truer.

She thought believing was honest,
Automatic,
Real.

She thought there were no contradictions
Indecisions,
Misgivings.

But now there's a chance
That her wish will come true,
Or not.

And she's afraid if it does,
She won't believe it,
Even though it happened before,
And she did.

But what happened between then and now,
Yes and no,
Truth and lie?

Was it ever truth,
Or a drunken mistake,
Backed up by more lies
So she felt secure
And now is doubting.

But she wants to believe,
More than anything,
That it was
And is
True.

Where did it go?
It's within her,
Hopefully him.
Because she's afraid to say again
Until he does.
--3.30.10

That's All

Please just
Tell me you love me.
And mean it.

That's all.
--3.18.10

I'll See You Tomorrow

And suddenly the tears
Press hot into my eyes.

I didn't know it would happen
Before it even started.

Months away, tears.
You should be months away.

I can't do so much sadness now.
There is work to be done.
There is celebration to be had.
There is joy to be expressed
In the moments that are left.

Isn't it all for joy.
--3.3.10