Puzzle of the Heart

It feels safe to fall to pieces
Though there's no one to catch me
At least I'm done with the game
Till someone puts me back together
And makes me start this all again
Looking good for everyone who's not watching
Keeping the time on a clock only I can hear tick
Spreading the word but nobody's listening
Making a diffrence but no one cares to see
Right now I'm one whole puzzle but not for long
You're all pulling apart the pieces soon they'll be no more of me
I'll sit as a pile in a box in the dark of the closet
Where I belong - all alone
At least being unused doesn't hurt the heart
I won't be taken advantage of again
--8.11.06

Off the Drug

I'm trying to
I'm trying to do anything
To be clean of you

There's nothing good
Coming of this
Only a slow end to life

But I want it
Want to be high
As I am with you

Inhale you
Breathe you in
And choke, but in blis

I don't know why
Why I have to try
To hate the pain

I should just quit you
But I need a fix
And I'm itching to be clean

This drug has twisted
My mind out of control
Into an addiction
-- 8.23.06

Fire in Black and White

What have I got left
But some used-up words and photographs
Capturing a moment
That was over as soon as it began
Somehow I managed to capture
The spontaneous combustion that exploded
And left me burning
But I've got no oxygen, just
Some worn-out papers with meaning in the past
I am ash, blown away in the wind
And forgotten, the dust of a spark
--8.23.06

All That I've Got

How did everything get so 
Twisted up inside
Spun to the ground 
In every lie
You
Told me 

And I believed it for a while 
Listened
To everything you said
That wasn't true
I got lost in your head
Words
Of untruth 

You said you cared about me
But you don't
You said you'd be there for me
But you won't
You said this was all for me
But it's not 
But now your words are 
All that I've got. 
--8.26.06

I Don't Wanna Talk

We've had a long conversation
Feels like it's been going on forever
And I'm sick of the same excuses
More words from a former lover

I don't wanna talk anymore
I don't wanna talk about this
I don't wanna talk to you
I don't wanna talk anymore

Can't explain exactly what happened
Don't know just what changed
All I know is I'm tired
My mind is twisted and deranged

I don't wanna talk anymore
I don't wanna talk about this
I don't wanna talk to you
I don't wanna talk anymore
--7/15/06

Turn Around

I am
Unbelievably blessed
Lucky for once
So grateful for it

I am
Wanting to scream FUCK YOU
At just a couple people
Who are pushing me away

I am
Confused in my joy
Confused in my anger
Determined to get through

I am
Determined to forget you
Be happy with who I've got
Because it doesn't get more amazing than that
--7/13/06

I Told Him: Never Silence Your Heart

He wrote me bits of wisdom
And
Told me truths unknown

He swept me off my feet with poetry
And
Put me back on the ground with grace

When my mind was silent
He knew what I was thinking

So I hope now that my heart must be silent
He will still know how I feel.
--7/8/06

Dog Days

I am not a dog
Not loved by all
Or easily please by playing with a bone

If I misbehave,
I am not simply put in a cage
For a few hours

I am not content
To sit around the house
Or go for a walk to smell the grass

I am not a dog
My life is not so simple
Though right now I wish it were
--7/6/06

Glass Fire

Reduced again
To sideways cyber glances
Knowing nothing more
Can come of this
My eyes are blurred
Like shattered mirrors
This is the epitome of
Life is unfair
Cliche but all too true
I am burning from the inside out
--7/6/06

Face Forward

It is typical of life
That the one person I
Need
To talk to most is
The one I am
Forbidden
To speak to
It's like a safety line's been snapped
Ot the light's been turned on
To reveal emptiness

Here I am reaching out
Slamming into a wall
Face first
Falling down head first
Onto concrete with a headache
Pounding in my ead
Like my feet pounding the street
As I run away from this
Towards the wall
With you on the other side
--7/6/06

Soliloquoy on Strings

Inexplicable
Is all I can say about
How I feel
It's impossible
To understand
What's happening to me.

I want to cry
With the pain of
Not being able to
Express my joy
In its entirety.

There are tears in my eyes
Of joy and of pain
And I want no one to know
The effect this has on me - It's
Inexplicable.
--7/5/06

Mirror of Emotions

Talking in our little whipsers
I don't know what to do
Because there is so much I need
And so much to say to you
That I can't say because I can't explain
How I'm feeling or what I think
I know I would feel like a fool
If I told you the truth
Because I don't think I'm looking in
A mirror of my emotions
So I hold back
But it is a terrible feeling
To be stifled
Especialy by oneself.
--7/4/06

How it Felt

She stares in the mirror and she thinks
Of him
The things he did to her
That she wishes she didn't want him to do
Again
But she does want him and she can't
Stop herself
From thinking about what was and could be
It's far too painful, she thinks
How can she feel this way - she
Doesn't understand
Why he is always on her mind
She wants to forget how it felt
But it won't
Go away
--7/3/06

Conflict Perspective

That touch is his (your) lips on her (my) lips
She (I) feels his (your) warm breath
On the back of her (my) neck
And now the weight of his (your) head
Pressing against her (my) chest
As his (your) hands slide smoothly
Down her (my) arms
Then he (you) lets loose a whisper
Calling her (me) "Baby"
Sending shivers up her (my) spine.

I (she) miss such a time
And I (she) wonder
Is it (she) or you (him) who has changed
To make me (her) feel like a different person...
--7/1/06

Dust to Dust

It's small talk at 1 A.M.
That they've been reduced to.
From ember to fire to ash
Ashes scattering in the wind

And she realizes these words are worthless
That nothing is making sense
Disappointed, she looks inside herself
And she realizes
Frightened -
Something within her has died
No longer the hopeless romantic
--6/27/06

Paper Ball

Tossed aside as a
Single memory
Each thought given
Thrown away like paper

Used and feeling
Broken
Worthless now as before
Sitting in the trash
Forgotten
--6/26/06

This one needs more work.

High and Mighty

He says
"Don't hold it against me"
But she knows
It doesn't have to be that way
So it's hard to not be
A little upset

She only wants to know
All of him
She only wants him
To be there for her
She wishes he would understand
Why she feels this way

He says to keep smiling
But she just wants to
Scream
"Fuck you"
Tell him to stop
And be who she knows he is
Who he said she makes him be

It feels like lies in the night
And lies during the day
When
She wants to be with him
When he isn't who he
Says he can be

She doesn't want
To be angry
She doesn't want
To be frustrated
She
Just wants
To be happy - safe - loved.

And right
Now
She doesn't know where she is she feels
Lost - confused - angry - frustrated

And these days he says
So little
In his world in his head that she will never be a part of
But
Will the space between his world and hers
Tear them apart?

She hopes not but doesn't know
And
Doesn't want to wait
To find out
She just wants to know
--6/26/06

Worth Nothing

Broken apart
No words between
Us
He and I
Where is the world
We built up
When everything was okay

Just for
One night
It was
Just for one
Night

I never meant to be a
One
Night
Stand

But now I'm
Standin alone
We were not together
At all
Tonight

And he's left me for another
Fuckin world
That I can't reach him in
And I can't pull him
Out because that's his
Choice
And I'm not a
Fuckin psychic
I can't control
His fuckin mind
It's a dangerous thing
I messed with
--6/26/06

Framed

This is the picture
Of perfection
This is the picture
Of uncertainty
This is the picture
Of a heart
In agony

My face
Smeared with makeup
From wiping away the tears
Thanks to an
Uncertain future
With or without
You

Words flow
Not so freely now
My heart has
Locked
Itself away
It doesn't
Want
To be hurt again

I want to be open
For love
But I am afraid
For hurt
Of having fallen
Too hard and too fast
--6/25/06

Backroads

Silence except for
Breathing
And far away music

Finally just our
Eyes
Nothing
Between us

Your face looks
Most beautiful
Whe it's closest to
Mine
--6/24/06

Magnetic Fire

He says
Stay cool baby
But - I know - he is falling inside himself
As I am - within me

We cannot
Stop
We move so
Fast
It's like a
Race to the finish line
But I don't see an
End
And I hope there won't come one
In sight

I am trapped in this I
I can't move I can't breathe I'm
Gasping - gasping - gasping for air
I am a danger to myself. I may suffocate

I am not safe to be around me
We are not
Safe
Around each other
We are each a
Danger

For this passion that
Entangles
A magnetic
Emotion
Sensual in every breath

We are barely breathing
Barely alive as we
Struggle
Pull towards eachother
And
Away for fear
Of our strength
In
Our passion.
--6/23/06

As We Share Whispers

I sleep with that message
Under my pillow
And I remember
That it is of love

If tomorrow I have cuts
They're only of paper
And no longer
Self
Inflicted

So this
Is what it's like
To feel like something is right

And this
Is what it's like
To not cry as I sleep

This is unreal but I can touch it
Tangible and emotional
Inspiring and frightening
And I don't know what to do

But I wouldn't have it any other way
As we share whispers
Never without you...
--6/22/06

On Screen Life

Happening on a flickering screen
An indie film unknown
Perfect and real

And I don't know
How it happened
Why it happened but I
Hope it's right

Romanticism in the strangest ways
Unexpected... and is that why
It is so amazing that I

Dance
Up and down on a high
The words are shy to leave
My mind for they don't
Understand this new freedom

Because
This doesn't
Doesn't really happen
Does it?

Yes. This is an affirmation
And it better be real
Falling under pressure
Does too much rest
On this?
--6/22/06

Reciprocation

He
Is there.

I
Of course I
Am here.

And we speak
To eachother - in code,
In metaphor in sideways glances

In anything but conversation
Confrontation

Afraid, are we?
Unsure and can we take the next step
Or do we continue
To whisper like this
Back and forth - a game and can
Anyone win?
--6/21/06

Two Wings

Free
I am flying
On the air of love
But there are currents and air pockets
Little dips that make me stumble
In flight.
To be let loose
From the cage of the mind
In something senseless
Sensual and mindless
Purely right, natural
All that exists
To soar, on two wings
Of two others
Slightly out of unison
But the same in direction
Perfectly worth the journey
--6/21/06

Spinning

The electrons swirl around the protons
Opposites stuck together - eternally spinning
Molecules of
Thought falling through my brain
Ever moving clamouring to get out of
This cage inside my head
In my mind spinning
Thoughts spinning
I am spinning - falling, to the ground
Stunned.
Lost in thoughts, dreams, confusion, darkness
Darkness, from within they say.
Spinning around me, new
New distractions - interactions - complications
Fallen on the ground am I - as they
Are spinning. Look I in fear - in confusion - in loss
Still continuing around around around me
Around. Around. And now I am spinning
Again. On the ground. Watching.
Always I am watching.
-- 6/21/06

Intervening

I see these hands
That are not - cannot be - mine reaching
Reaching toward
You
Ever distant - quite
Impossible to touch
Separation is suffocation
Isolate - desolate in desperation
Far away now I am walking with these hands that are not mine
And now never will I find
You
Again
The sky is crashing down so there is
Nowhere to go and you
Must be here somewhere
But here and there are different
Places in different times
We are apart
-- 6/20/06

Graveyard Shift

I'm walking away
Away from life
In the direction of my rest
Lay a flower on my grave
Remember yourselves
The few who loved me
The many who didn't
And the ones who caused this
-- 5/31/06

Paradox of Him

I am outside of my body
Stuck inside my brain
Thinking of him
I am wide awake
In my sleeping life
Thinking of him
Fuck he's keeping me alive
And stifling my breath
And I don't even know
Why I want him but now
He's all I have and I
Have to have him
-- 5/31/06

Red Nocturnal

It's at night that the truth comes out
When honesty flows from my veins
And this painful truth will be known
To only me
If this red truth were to dry up
Finish itself at last
Then the pain would be gone
But to always be honest
Is to always have this pain
Set free to inflict itself upon me
-- 5/31/06

Broken Walls

Behind this wall in the dark
A single eye upon me
The eye of you that once perhaps loved me
A dark glare, sideways glance
so what is in this space between us
As I spy back at you
Everything said and unsaid between us
Now a wall like that I lean upon
As once I would lean upon you
-- 5/25/06

In Silence

I wake in silence
I learn in silence
I exist in silence
I walk in silence
I write in silence
I sleep in silence
But I cannot
Live in silence
I cannot love in silence
And I will not
Leave in silence
-- 5/5/06

Promise You

It's just a normal conversation
Gone sour without the right medicine
And now I'm all shook up
Look at the mess I'm in

*Chorus*
You ask me to promise you
But I can't say yes
Cause I don't promise unless it's the truth
And this one's a lie I guess

I've got some old memories
Dissolving everything inside my brain
Time's running out for pretending
Everything is right as rain
Cause if you know the truth
Then the rest aren't far behind
And they will want to devour
Every depth of this twisted mind

*chorus*

Bridge:
Forget me
I promise you
It's easier that way
What can I promise you
I promise
You...

You ask me to promise you
I won't hurt myself, why
But I can promise you nothing
Unless you want me to lie.
--3/5/06

Stay the Distance

It only matters because I remember
And perhaps only I knew
The expectations riding on tonight
Of all I wanted to do to you

*Chorus*
And now you lay next to me but you're so far away
I want to wake you up and tell you what I've got to say
But I love you too much to just let you run away
So I will stay the distance for at least another day

I look at myself in a moonlight reflection
Never have my hands felt so foreign to me
I see your silhouette in the dark luminesence
Never have I felt so dirty

*Chorus*

Did I tell you I love you
I did, I did
But do you care, is the question
And I wonder why
I wonder why
I still love you.
--2/28/06

Listened to You

You said you loved me
And you said you always would
So I look back and now
I know I never should (have)

chorus:
Listened to you I
Listened to you
You're a liar
You're a liar
But I listened to you
I remember the day
When this all began
I knew you were a liar
And I never should have
Listened to you

So now you ignore me
Like I'm the plague of the earth
I hear you talk about me like
You've hated me since birth
On top of everything else
What can I say to you
You won't listen to me so
There's nothing I can really do

I never should have
*chorus*

You cannot break my heart
This has only made be stronger
And I don't believe
You don't love me any longer...
I think that's a lie.
--2.13.06

Most of December

Gave up everything to do this
We open on December 2
"Break a leg"
Gifts and hugs
Flowers, food, a late night out
It's truly begun
Two shows on Sunday
I go home, still in trouble
Back again December 7
"I'll count how many people"
Not as many as you deserve
December 8 snow storm
"We're canceling"
Scott there's a letter waiting for you
Devember 9 "Nicest thing"
So happy, for once
Sunday evening
"Don't want to spread a rumor,
But I think there's 10 people!"
Olive Garden was good
"Princess" Scott calls me
Thanks Mary Jane
December 14 to 17
Tons of homework before finals
One of those days, everyone's a little bit racist
Impeding depression of closing night
December 16 no Bum Luck
Etel's birthday. 73 dollar gift card from us all
Gold, Frank-in-scents, and more on Saturday
Extra snow for closing night
Sunday. It's Sunday.
Last day.
Scooby Doo and a journal from Scott
Cards galore.
Tears and pictures from me.
Jokes galore cause it's closing night.
Baby on Willie's stand
Notes hidden for the cast
Extra ad libs
The light booth comes to life
"Don't make me come down there"
"Alms for the poor"
"Cover your eyes"
They all acknowledge me
I give them a standing ovation
Clap harder than ever in my life
How I miss them now
Knew them for 6 weeks
Memories for a lifetime
I hope they know I love them.
--1.4.06

Ten Dollar Package

Why do I carry around this same photograph
Still a reminder of the virus conception
I cannot escape
This same photograph
Laughs at me every day
Our same two faces smiling out
Forever a lie
I paid for that photograph
The money's a cruel joke
And now you say nothing
Silent like your face in the picture.
--1.4.06

Countour

I look back at the shreds of my life
The best and the worst of all I've seen
And I realize through all the bad I want to go back
For all the good I've been blesed to live
I've let go of so much I've loved
And still it is middef more and more
Shows I have seen
People I have met
As it all shapes my life
Where has it all gone?
Where is it now?
Those people who lift up my life
Have they fallen too?
How I miss them
Simple as that
Nothing to explain
--1.4.06

Just Thoughts

Directions erased need aWgat new plan
Running out of time
All for nothing am I still here?
Still want it
Crushed dreams find new dreams? can't. still want the old ones
What to do?
Worth someting
Dreams come true that's what's worth something
Passiom
Want nothing more than this
Cause purpose am I worth anything?
Life
Time ends what's left?
No forever
Talent did I ever have any?
Fight for it
Believe does anyone think about me at night?
Truth
Answers
Too many questions
No help no answers
Lost without help
Screaming inside
Want to throw something
End this life
I can't succeed I don't want to give up but now what?
Feel worthless stupid pointless
Can't explain even to myself
Same old thing something new
Never enough
Message
Over no more

White Walls

What am I working for?
Will it ever succeed
Am I doomed to follow my dreams
That are leading me astray
My life seems to have no purpose
So what am I living for?
I'm tired of trying to find out
Past answers seem all a lie
I don't know where I stand
Lost like never before
Even at a loss for words.
--1.5.06

Ignite the Night with Passionate Fire

Now I know what it feels like
Your dreams crashing down upon you
I've gotten I never will
My whole life has been my dreams
Now what do I have left?
I'm not good enough
Its hard work to try so hard
Every day every moment
Try to keep it up for the future
My whole life has been my dreams
Now what do I hav left?
The knife of rejection has broken my heart
That haert kept my passion alive
Feels like I'm dying without my heart
Ot without the talent I never had
My whole life has been my dreams
Now what do I have left?
--11.6.06

Same Quotes, New Story

I POSTED THESE QUOTES ON AUGUST 1ST OF LAST YEAR. I WAS REREADING THEM AND SOME MADE ME LAUGH, SOME MADE ME CRY. I DIDN'T STATE LAST TIME WHERE THEY ALL CAME FROM, AND I THOUGHT I WOULD SAY SO NOW.

Some are driven away my edicts, others by silence. - FIDDLER ON THE ROOF

And now no one is left to talk to, except the voices in my head, and I've already heard all they have to say. - ME

So that's him.
Yeah.
He's cute.
I know.
{and nothing will ever happen. talk is only talk.} - A FRIEND OF MINE AND ME

It's a nice night. To feel like shit. - ME

Parties are not for sitting by yourself. - MIKE PADDEN

That picture's crooked.
Shut up - you're crooked! - OMG I WISH I KNEW WHERE THAT ONE CAME FROM

How long did you guys go out? - STEPHANIE
You mean how long until I regretted it? - MITCH

Then we can talk about life, what you think about things... It can all turn out quite pleasant. FIDDLER ON THE ROOF

Why were you all over *him* at the party? Was it to make me jealous? - MITCH
I'm not that shallow. - ME
Yes you are. - MITCH
You know, you're an idiot. - MITCH

Did I really tell him to break a leg (before the show) and mean it? Wow. Maybe I'm the idiot. - ME

I'm not ur age for much longer though hehe - EMILIE
Close enough. Shut up - ME
hahah I get what you mean. - EMILIE

Okay I think that's enough. No one is on to talk to and I'm bored as hell. It's time for some sleep.

AHH THE MEMORIES... SOME SO LOVELY AND SOME SO AWFUL. BUT PERHAPS THAT IS THE BEAUTY OF MEMORIES. *SIGH*

In This Skin

Cut so deep
Leave a scar
Love so deep
Same story again
My love for you
Is like this scar
Ugly but permanent
And you will never know
You will never know
How much you've hurt me
How much I still love you
How much I don't want to
Scar go away
You'll never know
If you don't know now.
--1.3.06

Daydream Girls

Tall girls
Long legs
No hips
Perfect build
For a dancer
I don't belong
Short girl
Shorter legs
Too much hip
I don't belong
They talk about getting thin
Are they crazy?
In thi world of beautiful girls
I don't belong
I'm not made to be a pretty face
Not one to be looked at
Or thought about in daydreams
That will never be mine.
--1.3.06