Status Quo

Dear Jack,

You know what my first monologue was about in acting class? Now that I'm finally at NYU, where I've wanted to be for years, where I auditioned for, without you, even though you said you'd be there, and now I'm in a studio you know nothing about, living a life you know nothing about, with friends I love but who I can never love properly, because they aren't you. My first monologue in studio was about you. About the day you broke my heart. It's the only story I've got. It's the only thing I can say to explain why I am the way I am now. I blame my loneliness on myself. I push myself away from people because of my distrust, my fear that they will leave me like you did. It's been a year and a half and I don't know what to do about it. I wonder constantly what your life is like, what things would be like now if you hadn't left me. And I think I've realized that part of the reason it bothers me so much and still has such an impact is because in that situation, I had no power. You took away my control, and since then I've just given it up. I feel like I don't have control anymore. When people say they love me, or they care about me, and that they want to be there for me, I can't honestly believe them no matter how hard I try, or how much I want to, because all I remember is that you loved me. And you took care of me better than anyone I ever knew, and I trusted you with all my soul; I would have trusted you with my life. I gave you my heart, and you threw it back at me. So that's all I have to talk about. It's consumed me, I have become it. Me? My story? You, the absence of you, is my story. So I told it to these fourteen people that I'm supposed to be close to. I told them because I need them to understand. But I'm not sure they do. I'm not sure anyone ever can, who wasn't there in that moment when it happened, who doesn't know what we were like when we were friends. Do you know I don't even remember much anymore? The happy times have fallen away. All the real time we spent together seems to have disappeared and all I can remember now is so many nights of sadness, of missing you, of hating you, of wanting you back. I remember those first dark days in June, when I thought you would change your mind and we would be friends again soon. I remember darker days afterwards, when I understood this was how things were going to be, and I remember not wanting to live a life without you, a life where I couldn't trust the person I loved most in the world. But I'm here. I'm still living with it. And sometimes I just think. I wonder what I wouldn't give to see your face again, to have a hug, and be safe in your arms. I would give up so much to have you back in my life. All I've wanted since that day was to be friends again. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of hurting, of missing someone who doesn't even care anymore. I'm tired of caring about you. It requires too much energy. But you won't go away. My friend Maggie's father died when she was seven. She says she's learned to live with it because she believes that part of him is still with her, watching over her. And I realized that that's why it doesn't actually feel like you're dead. I thought it did, but if you were dead, I could imagine that you were with me, and watching over me. Instead I have to know that you're choosing to live without me. I've run out of things to say. This is just what's always in my head and I needed it to get out for a second. Merry Christmas.

Mal-Dis-Function

Contemplating war.

I envision old men

In those funny brown hats.

And little red flowers.

On Veteran's Day.

But it's not old men that fight wars

It's young men that become old men

Or die.

So what becomes of the dead?

What becomes of the living?

Are they living, or just alive?

The young men and women are fighting.

I wonder when there will be old women who fought.

That generation hasn't matured yet.

How many of them

Have spilt blood on the ground

Theirs, or the enemy's?

What's the difference,

It's human life.

It's life, a soul

Broken shattered gone.

Where have all the flowers gone?

Will we be the lost generation,

Lost to a war we won't win

And didn't want to fight?

What exactly are we supposed to be supporting,

All I hear is death.

Losing blood that's for a purpose.

It's for living

Connecting

Sharing

Surviving.

War is the antithesis of survival

For us at this juncture.

Here we either die or fight to exist malfunctioning.

But I'm not gonna die

And I'm not gonna fight.

Can I be a patriot, alive and well?

Socialist president and all.

--11.16.08

Prologue of What is Possible

Blank.

It begins blank.

Full of empty blankness.

I am a zero.

I am a zero,

Complete and empty

An outline.

Inside, blank.

Inside blank,

A zero of potential

With unknown content

Unknown because it is non-existent.

It is non-existent.

But I exist,

A complete empty zero

Of blankness.

Of blankness.

Completely blank I exist.

Anticipating a change

But passive, and empty.

Empty.

I am complete,

I could remain empty

Complete but not whole.

Not whole;

Something needs to fill

The emptiness

There must be something.

There must be something

More than empty.

Full, at least in part

To incomplete the emptiness.

To incomplete the emptiness

Is to create fullness

Full, complete, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Sure.

Great.

How?

How?

I don't know.

It starts blank.

Completely empty.

I am a zero.

--11.14.08

[Future][Present]

Hey remember

When we were friends - 

Talked for miles and hours

Until daylight came

Hey remember

When I got in a car - 

You got on a plane and suddenly 

The future was here

Hey remember

That first night at the skyline - 

Staring at the water

Sharing stories face to face

Hey remember

That next night in your room - 

Fading sun out the window

And I didn't want anything else

I had you

And the city

The skyline

And the theatre

I wanted nothing more

Than exactly what I had

This is a story in past tense.

--10.20.08

What's Echoing

Random thoughts I'm currently having:

Nothing in the world fucks you up like trust and abandonment issues.

Can I just have my words back, and with them, my heart, please?

Why am I the person who tries to make so many other people happy at my own expense?

I need some me time.

I don't know where anyone is.

I just want the people I care about to be happy. But if that's what I want, then why doesn't their happiness make me happy?

I keep giving people pieces of my heart, and then they just run away with it and I can't get it or them back.

Sometimes I feel so empty. So empty. Like it's just my skin and my bones, and my thoughts running around inside me, echoing off the emptiness of my insides.

My heart feels shredded. Ripped into pieces. Bleeding, and not the way a heart should. Not into veins, just spilling out into my empty insides.

I still love him so much. And there are so many "him"s that applies to.

There are no "quiet hours" outside my window. And for the first time in my memory, I actually want to tell the city to shut the fuck up. Or at least those four people outside my building listening to loud rap music at three in the morning.

I don't know what anything I've ever said means anymore, if it has any meaning left at all.

--9.19.08

I Just Know

Every word I'm writing

To make you feel better

Is one more knife in my chest.

Caring about you

Is killing me.

What I'm telling you

Is true, but

Still it hurts.

Yes, I want you to be happy,

And I don't want me to stop that,

So I'll smile for you.

I want you to be happy,

But even if you are

That doesn't mean I will be.

--9.19.08

Foul and Fair

You have terrible timing.

First we talk for hours

In the middle of the night

Then you see me

And things are just as we expected.

We dine and talk

And our relationship

We think--

Or I think--

Deepens as it changes.

But no.

Though you wooed me

With conversation and essays,

Poetry and stories...

Though you gave me

No choice 

But to fall for you:

You reject,

Turn from it all.

Call it a fuck up.

And move on.

But still that time

Resonates in me

So much that

All I want is 

For you to change your mind

Back to what you first said.

--8.29.08

It's Not About the Logic

I decend the stairs

To guarantee

I'm not in the elevator

In case he is.

Then I sit

In the courtyard

And watch the elevator

Over the horizon

Of my book.

--8.29.08

Someone Else's Window

I don't know

How many more times

I can shut off my doubts

When they continuously

Are confirmed anyway.

Pessimism loves to prove itself right.

I am only

One of many

And not as lucky

As first thought.

I am living

In the land of plenty

But now I ask

Plenty of what?

--8.29.08

Under the Bridge

There are no foundations.

The ground is barely liquid;

Nothing holds its form or place.

One should not, nay cannot

Hold on to any one last-minute hand to hold.

Images are shattered, impressions of a moment.

Yet when the temptation arrives to run,

Nothing remains to run on

But shattered mirrors, broken faith.

Shards of life that cut the skin, loosen the veins,

And weaken heart's defenses.

--8.26.08

Uptown on the Six

She sits and waits.

Expecting a different response from the same action.

Thoughts fly through her head.

She shuts them off;

Will allow no doubts.

"I am from and for my future,

Not my past."

Waiting no longer,

Listening more and less at once.

Wondering if this conscious shift

Will hurt more in the end.

If blindness is worse.

"The principle of one does not guarantee 

That of the similar but not identical forms."

An upside down world

Allows not for upright impressions

Without some whirling, destructive, uncertain,

 Cacophonous wonders and misconceptions.

--8.26.08

The Dance

I came on tentative but strong

You hesitated but then returned

We began.

Pressed to each other

Moving in heated rhythm

Across the floor, the universe.

Perfectly passionately synchronized

Comfortable, envied

The music and us.

You took a step back

So I took one too

Now we're tangoing two feet apart.

--8.11.08

A Snapshot.

They hadn't talked in a year, but she figured his number was still the same. She pondered the cell phone screen for a few moments until it turned off from idling. She carried her phone in her hand as she walked to a far away field. Then she sat down and called him.

He answered.

'Probably forgot this is my number,' she thought to herself. "Hello?" his now-unfamiliar voice echoed into the phone. "This is because of you," she said.

A gunshot went off through the cellphone static.

In the deafening silence that followed, she said nothing. She had shot the gun into the air - a prop gun from a theatre, shooting a blank. But he didn't know that. She listened.

He said nothing.

And nothing was all she needed to hear. She left the gun in the field where she had been sitting and walked home. She swallowed a bottle of pills and died in her sleep after leaving a note telling her family that she loved them and was very sorry but she had to live for herself, and she didn't want to anymore.

He didn't come to the memorial service. He couldn't face her family. He never knew there was a moment when he could have saved her, if he would have just said something.

Society Spill

Wrist-slitting words

Fall from tongue-tied lips

Into outstretched hands

That have nothing left

Breaking free from overtired sentences

Trying desperately to create originality

In a world where conformity reigns

Watch the individual spin the wheel, run the maze

Our society is inherently designed for failure

To be a good politician you must be a bad person

Not that I have the solutions

But I can see the problems; that's a start

[[This isn't going the way I want it. I'm stopping. May or may not attempt to salvage it later]]

--7.2.08

Queries on Relationships

Are things easier to break,

The more perfect they are?

What banishes doubt?

Is there anyone I can talk to

About everything

Without worrying about

Feeling ashamed?

How can even good luck

Cause so much trouble?

Does anyone know how to decide

Between door number one

And door number two?

Remember that feeling

The last time you hugged,

Knowing you were parting?

I feel that happiness

And sadness

All the time.

--6.27.08

Show, Down

Wipe off the make-up

The face falls away

Gone is the character

The believer

Left beneath, 

When the lights are dark

And the curtain has fallen

Is the dreamer

The dreamer learns

Always more to learn

Potential can never be reached

Look in the mirror

Reflection status:

Bare, disappointed

Surprised at the understanding

This wasn't it.

--6.8.08

Fly Space

You are at a distance

So intangible

That it sometimes seems

Impossible to feel myself

All that makes up me

Is few and far between

And only they understand

How that feels

They have warm hands

Open hearts

And strong backs that hold up

Limitless talent, friendship, and understanding

For all of this

The love that they give

Is worth the pain of absence

Because there is always hope

Of future crossings through the void

Those meetings

Those sparks

That's what they call creation

What I call theatre

Synonymous with life

In the few breaths you grasp

In those short endless moments on stage

I am running out of words

All that's left is emotion

Reaching to those hands

That catch me when I fall

Thank you

For not breaking me

Sometimes I'm pretty fragile

But you all hold me together.

--5.3.08

Dedicated to the ACL gang: Frank, Justin, Mikey, Stefanie, Dave, Pat, and Tom Tom; also to David, Scott, and the former Jack. I hope this says it all.

My Promise to You Part II

When my voice is lost
I will sing you songs.
When my feet are bound to leave
I will walk to you.
When my hands are tied
I will hold your hand.
When my eyes are blind with tears
I will see into your eyes.
When my ears are deafened
I will hear your words.
When my heart is broken
I will still love you.
--4.8.08

My Promise to You

When you miss me
Remember the warmth of my hand.
Imagine me and you.
Face to face, so close.

When you miss me
Close your eyes and stare into mine.
I will be doing the same
And we will be together.

When you miss me
Send me a kiss on the wind.
My hands will catch it and
My lips will treasure you.

When you miss me
Know that I am not gone.
Look into the stars and find me.
Breathe in the moonlight love.
--4.7.08

Always and Now

I love the sparkle of his eyes
I love the smoothness of his hands
I love the strength of his back
I love the softness of his heart

I miss the sparkle of his eyes
I miss the smoothness of his hands
I miss the strength of his back
I miss the softness of his heart

And I still love him.
--4.2.08

Fire Escape

Do what's easy
Run away
So you
Don't have to see
The pain you caused
When you
Gave up on me.
--3.5.08

Fire Veins

You bleed for me
I accept your offering
Kiss the wound and the scar

I bleed for you, now
You take it away
My blood, warm on your skin

Bleed. Strengthen. Survive.

I will take you
All of you as
My blood falls away

This is not the life I've known
So I wonder
If I'm living

Bleed. Strengthen. Survive.

I have bled so much
No more. Now
You bleed for me.
--4.15.08

How You Fall

Is there fire on your skin?
Are your eyes burning sharp as ice?
Can you feel me, feel this?
I coule be scarring you.

Tell me if it's too much
If it's not enough.
What exactly do you want?
I am learning you.

Do you feel your back in the earth?
Are you, are we, merging?
Can you stand it any longer?
I could be scarring you.

Tell me how far to go
When to stop.
Am I, is this, right?
I am learning you.

Are you wet with perspiration?
Is there any pain?
Can you still comprehend me?
I could be scarring you.

Tell me not to
Where I should hurt you.
Do you still feel safe?
I am learning you.

Is there air for you to breathe?
Do you feel the atmosphere?
Can you catch your breath in this?
I could be scarring you.

I love this
Love you
Can I save you?
I am learning you.
--4.14.08

Element

I'm blowing you a kiss
On this angry April wind
Hoping to calm the storm
In the air and in your heart.

As the sun goes down
I am closing my eyes.
When the moon appears
My eyes look to you.

You and I are everywhere
And so together and apart at once.
Live makes it impossible
To understand and survive.
--4.14.08

Fingertips

Right now.
I want to hold your hand.
Feel your heart.
Devour you.
I can see your face
Across the sky
The miles that stand
Like bricks in a wall.

Your touch is fading
As I try to hold on.
The truth is lacking.
I am missing you.

Where do I go from here?
The moon is new
And old as time.
Just like us.
It is the invisible touch.
Our sacred light.
Your secret and my haunting.

Your touch is fading
As I try to hold on.
The truth is lacking.
I am missing you.

My lips are bleeding.
Tears of star-crossed love.
It is dark and clear.
Windows are shut.
The sleeping breathe.
But I, awake
And breathing you in.
Catching the wind.

Your touch is fading
As I try to hold on.
The truth is lacking.
I am missing you.
--4.7.08

Tell Me

Am I scared?
Yes.
I am scared for both of us
Like you.

I am scared
Because I don't know
Why this is happening or
What you are thinking or
What I am thinking.

I am scared
Because I don't know
How this will go or
How it will end or
If I can stop it.

I am scared
But I am hoping
It is worth it and that
You think so too.
--3.18.08

Iris in Shades of Grey

And as your eyes look me over
I feel warm and safe.
You are keeping me in your gaze
Where there is nothing to hurt me.
But when you close your eyes
Do you see me, or is it her?
And when we part
I don't have the protection
Of your arms or your eyes
So I don't understand why
I wanted this or why
It happened or why
I want it to happen again.
--3.17.08

Arose in the East

And finally they break
In a crash of
Soft lips and strong hands.

They are wrapped in forbidden.

Dangers whisper in their ears
But fires burn in their eyes
Much fiercer than a whisper.

They are tangled in complicated.

Across the line
Beyond the rules
Over the edge.

They are on the verge of no one knows.
--3.17.08

It's Worth the After

The people
Every day
Like family
Given a couple weeks
One day
And it's over
The dynamics change.
No one left,
Dream is over
Back to daily lives
The hurt takes over.
Memories and friendships
So it's okay
Worth all the pain
Of missing them.
--3.6.08

What Heals Also Breaks

What should I confess to thee
Nothing true would help
So what does that leave
But secrets and lies.
Yet what we have is true
And I would that were enough
Might we try, savor this
It is the best we can do
Oh but it hurts me.
New wounds tear as you
Heal the old.
--3.4.08

She and Time

It's just time
And a little band of metal
That separates us.
But there's nothing
I can do.
We're sitting at a table
But that's not what's between us.
It's time and she walks
Across the back of his mind
She runs through his eyes
Into mine; that's not me.
She's the fairy on his shoulder
In his hand, in his heart
Her golden wings unfurl
Around his finger in the dark.
We're sitting at a table
But that's not what's between us.
--3.4.08

It's the Disease

You were a tumor
But you were like a tumor,
Feeding on and destroying
Everything bad in my life.

Benign.

I didn't know all that
Was only knotting up inside me.
You, whom I trusted, were
Just waiting to burst.

Malignant.

You burned through me.
Left me diseased, mangled
So dependent, unable to cope
And I'm still dying alive.

No change.

Status the same.
Worse, if anything.
No way out of this;
I'm down for the count.

You were a tumor.
--2.15.08

9162006

What I wouldn't give to return to that day
Nothing.
Days when honesty, love, and friendship
Were real.
.
.
Now only longing, sorrow, and lonliness.
--2.5.08

Porque No Sabes

No te digen
Que es las coasas mas pequenas
Que te doloran el mas

Te echare de menos
Los abrazos y
Los sonrisas
El sentimento de seguridad

Todos son idos.
Y a veces, es impossible
A rellenar el hoyo.
--2.3.08

That Which Is, Is

Is suicide for the weak, or the strong?
Or does it only decide the strength of
Those left behind?

If you give up the fight, are you
Smart or selfish?
And who is left behind?

Alive but alone-win or loss?
Is it worth fighting for,
To start over?

Does a fight, fought so many times
Ever change?
Differ with the passing of time?

Who knows the answers?
Is it possible to know
Before you die?
--1.24.08

The Final Word

He says he regrets it
He says he's sad
and he's insensitive
and he's feeling destruction
He says he's sorry.

Well so am I.

Now he's willing to explain
but not willing to return
and he still wants his space
He says we were too close.

Well he was right.

Only people that close
Can cause you that much pain
And I've never been so close
To anyone in my life.

And I never want it to happen again.
And I still don't understand.
--1.15.08

Visual Revolution

When you block out the eyes
The identity is gone
As the mirror decays
There is nothing left to see
In such a subtle way
A generation is being lost
I'm beginning to fear
That I'm losing me.

Dot the i's and cross the t's
Get your last words out
We're the "now generation"
But now's almost over
There's not much left to expect
It's time for battle
As the clock ticks and eyes fade
The mirror is hazy; all that's left
Is your mind you've got to protect.
--1.9.08

Charicature of Intimacy

They sit on the train
Reading, talking, listening
Tickets ready and waiting
A conductor comes through
The passengers don't know
His son is dead.

The business man
Whose wife is having an affair
Because he comes home late
Doesn't know.

The teenage girl
Holding hands with her boyfriend
Wondering if he'll leave her
Doesn't know.

The working mother
Editing her manuscript on the train
So she can play with her son at home
Doesn't know.

The senior boy
Filling out scholarship applications
Wondering where he'll go to college
Doesn't know.

The conductor takes the tickets
He moves on.
Those people go home
To the lives they're unsure of.
The conductor goes home.
But he knows
His son is dead, still dead.
He goes home.
He knows.
--12.11.07

Escaping the Brain

I still think about him all the time
And wonder...

I wonder if
He still thinks of me
He misses me
He's replaced me

I wonder how
He could just cut me off
He's living without me
He feels about me now

I wonder why
He doesn't care
He did it in the first place
He's still silent

Does he remember like I do?
Does he miss me like I miss him?
Does he ever want to see me again?
Would we have made it - if things were different?
--12.10.07

It's Been

It's been six months
And three days
I've changed but
Everything else is the same

It's been too long
For me to still remember
The last time you
Hugged me goodbye and drove away

It's been too long
For this to still hurt me
But I remember
And it burns me still

It's been six months
And three days
You're still gone
And I'm still alone
--12.10.07

Flesh and Blood

Our eyes meet
I'm breathing in slow motion
But my heart is racing
And your hand touches my skin

Our blood burns
Fire rushes in my brain
As we come closer and closer
And finally our lips meet

Our bodies merge
I can feel everything
But nothing else is there
And you're taking me away

Our lives intertwine
I'm holding onto you
As we fly through this together
And you'll never let me go
--12.7.07

Still Breathing

Choosing others over me
Giving me nothing
I'm breathing to stay alive
But getting nothing out of it
This is just me
With no one to talk to
But so much to say
And I'm breathing silently
I am slipping through
Between the cracks
Into empty white noise
Everyone is breathing
But they're all there
So loud it's like thunder
I just flash
I'm sharp lightning breathing
And I wonder
It is almost over?
And I almost done?
But I'm still breathing.
--11.21.07

Written

I am unknown.
It is a simple truth.
He took my secrets with me when he left.

My face is blank and flat.
It is the cover of a never-read novel.
A new copy-the one he penned is gone.

I am sitting on a shelf,
Closed just like everybody else,
But with an unbent, clean spine.

You can't see the damage on the outside.
It is written on the pages inside, unseen
Unread and unknown.
--11.20.07

Off and On

I want to turn the world off
And leave a spotlight on you and me
Time for just us, space for just us
So we could be honest
And I could stop wanting
Something it feels like I can't have.
I am tired of waiting-not for you
But for everyone else-to leave us alone
To be just you and me
In a spotlight in the empty world
With no fear, or worry, or anxiety
Just freedom to love
Time to take it slow and then
Go as fast as we've been waiting to go
You and me. Just you and me.
A perfect you and me.
--11.21.07

Dropped

I am raining
Hitting the ground
Pounding on the windows
Darkening the clouds

I am falling too fast
It is over in a second
And then I'm just a trace on the ground
That fades away.
--11.21.07

Wrong

It was so nice at first
That lie-
A lie that comforted me
When I needed to believe it

But then I thought I was okay
And I could stop needing
So the deception fell away
And then I realized

I realized
You're not as good as I thought
And I made this choice myself
And now I'm alone

You don't even have the integrity
To tell me the truth now
But you run the other way
When I'm the one who's hurt

Now I have to find the strength
You took from me
To fight this new battle
You've given me.
--11.6.07

Aqui Sin Ti

Hay no mas
Solo yo, solo
Estoy sin alguien
Estoy flotando
Les echo de menos
Todos que fueron aqui
Pero no mas.
?Estan pensando sobre mi?
No se, pero deseo saber.
?Por que estoy solo?
?Por que no estan aqui, ellos?

Hay personas que me conocen
Pero estan muy lejos de mi, fisicalmente
Mi corazon se rompe por ellos
Para ti, y ti, y ti
Y para mi.
--9.11.07

No Me Digas

No me digas
Que yo no soy basta.
Ya yo siento.
No soy basta para ti.
Te echo de menos
Pero no pienso que
Me piensas un poquito.

No me digas
Que yo soy basta.
No lo creo.
Porque no puedo darte
Que quieres.
Lo siento, mi amor.

Es el mas mal sentimiento
En el mundo.
Pero lo siento.
No puedo.
--9.10.07

I am a Girl

I am a girl
I like dressing up
Wearing makeup
And being told I'm pretty

I am a girl
I like chocolate
The color pink
And being given roses

But I am a girl
I like baseball
Action movies
And playing serious floor hockey

I am a girl
I like driving fast
Computers
And beating everyone else

I am a girl
I like boys and girls
Ballet and sports
And truth, freedom, and love.
--8.22.07

On a Chain

I am clinging to this metal chalice
Hanging around my neck
And I am trying to tell you
"Don't give up on me yet."

Things change.

I meant what I said that night
But you must have misunderstood
Pretended not to care
Instead of telling me the truth

Things change.

So now I am trying to hold on
To this little symbol of faith
That reminds me of the night
I realized too late.

Things change.

And this little chalice is all I have left.
--11.25.07

In the Here and Now

Right here feels so far away
Right now
We are separated
In every dimension
And right here,
Two months later
I miss you more
Than I ever have
And it's weighing on my chest
So painful
I am drowning
In hurt, sadness, and anger
And you
Who were once my lifeboat
Are the reason why
Right now.
--8.7.07